Sometimes I wake up and realize that I’m doing it “that way”. I recently consented to take my middle son, and his friend to ride their ATV’s in Estacada, Oregon. The day had it’s own adventures, but the real teeth grinder was the effort it took to load two large atv’s into the back of my pickup. First, they are very heavy and require Tetris like skill to make them fit due to their width and their length. It soon became apparent whilst in the house that neither my son or his friend had “the whatever is needed” to accomplish this loading task on their own. So “we” heaved and groaned each machine in to the back of the truck eventually squirreling them in, and strapping them down.
At one point while holding the front of the first atv up in the air, over my head from the side of the truck, I waited for my helpers to dutifully push the back of the atv forward in the truck bed so I could set it down. Don’t try to picture it, just think Tetris mixed with Beverly Hill-Billies. My helpers were talking and had just sort of stopped working. My son’s friend said “man your dad is a savage lifting that like that “. While I guess being a savage might be a good thing to a 15 year old, this 45 year old was getting very angry. “Push the quad forward so I can set it down” I snapped loudly ……twice….. along with some other angry grumbling (truth is I really did not want to be doing this). They immediately complied and apologized, and I retained “savage” status which has not earned me any more money to date. I got to thinking about how I had said that I wouldn’t get stressed out and snap at people about things like loading atv’s in the back of pickups when I’m an adult. Definitely, not like my own upbringing.
In many ways I didn’t, but I started to. I remembered that this brief exchange of frustration would not have been the case when I was their age and all thru growing up. Such a moment could have brought hours of anger and withdrawal from those in charge, especially if it happened at the wrong time, already stressed, time crunched, already screwed up that day, maybe you get the picture.
Growing up I experienced a great deal of anger in my home. It was by no means the worst situation for me to be in, but it resulted in struggles (and decisions) that I as person have had, and continue to face. The truth is that many people are challenged by what they experienced from their childhood and adolescence, and that result in predilections towards certain behaviors and thinking. In my home of origin , frustration and anger as a result of very real financial stress, or very real unmet expectations, seemed to be a nightly occurrence. The result was a definite resentment and fear on my part towards the source of that anger and frustration which led me to saying, “I will never be like that” .
With much prayer, discipleship ,personal work, and most importantly the power of the Holy Spirit I now don’t live my day-to-day life with the kind of anger reactions that I was privy to growing up. That is not to say that I don’t have moments when old reactions work their way out, but even then not to the degree of years ago. There is no one size fits all solution to destructive expressions of anger or any emotion for that matter. I certainly don’t hold a special super ability to address my own triggers to strong emotions with great composure each time. In the moment of loading the atv’s that I could have easily escalated to react inappropriately, yelled, or stormed into the house. I certainly felt the urge. The quality of my relationships is valuable enough to me that I have needed to learn how to manage my emotions even in the midst of more important life frustrations and challenges.
One way that can be helpful in growing away from excessive and damaging reactions, is to carefully recognize who is driving your bus (life)? Is it you driving the bus towards your values , or is it backseat drivers of pain from the past…..fear….. or insecurity just waiting for the stress to tip the balance. We each have our own set of back seat drivers who, if allowed, will steer us into infinite feedback highways… loops of behavior, thinking, and emotions…. that don’t keep our bus headed towards what is valuable to us.
Often they loudly yell, and grab for the wheel to steer back to the familiar suffering that poor behavior produces. Behavior like withdrawal, angry outbursts, isolation is certainly not an exhaustive list, but I think that it’s a start. For me, keeping my relationships with family strong, trying to demonstrate compassion, and trying to live in a disciplined way are important values I want to steer my life towards. If I am allowing frustration, stress and anger to pervade and cause me to breach my relationships thru yelling and withdrawal then I am driving in a loop back to my past. If I am using my anger to control others thru fear, demeaning criticism, or demonstrate rage slamming and throwing stuff about then I am not driving my bus towards what is valuable to me.
The back seat drivers of fear, insecurity, past pains, complacency, and pride are screaming turn here, turn here, and I can turn if I don’t recognize them for what they are…..coping mechanisms that produce nothing, but more suffering. The reality is that it takes so much more energy to pick up the pieces of what I produce in poor relating then it does to do it differently…better. I want the “better” of life.
Moving towards what is valuable can be painful and even fearful at first, that is why your back seat drivers try to tell you to go back to what you know. Avoid, distract, get big, get small, drink this, smoke that, all become ways that our passengers keep us from pain …and from growth and from life itself at times. If you stay with what you know and don’t move thru, then that pain will turn to suffering as pain pushed away usually returns; festers. There is so much more that could be written about this subject, and nothing to be taken lightly as walking thru some of this type of thing is tough work, and can involve healing from pain and trauma as well as significant relationship realignments. It is worth the work because staying the same is even more exhausting in the long-term.
What is valuable to you today? ( just a couple of things for now will do)(these are not goals they are values) Don’t let them be remote to your life!
How are the back seat drivers pushing you, yelling at you to steer you away from moving forward?
What is it costing you in energy and lack of vital living to let them push you around and steer your bus away from what is valuable to you?
What would it look like next time there is frustration, stress, or fear, to take values guided action like using a new skill to act differently?
Changes take time and energy, but so does staying the same. The first type of energy is way more satisfying.
An Excellent resource for more information and skills to steer your life towards what is valuable can be found at https://www.actmindfully.com.au/free_resources
Russ Harris is an excellent therapist and author who has highly readable and relevant material about living vitally and moving towards what is valuable..
I would highly recommend his books, “The Happiness Trap”, or “The Reality Slap” as good starting places for looking at ways to address living into your values even with back seat drivers that are loud and unaccommodating..
Also if needed find an ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) based therapist or coach in your area and check them out to see if it could be helpful for you.
Gene is Husband to the amazing Daleasha, Father to the amazing Daisy, Nate, and Silas, lover of Christ, licensed counselor, ordained pastor, writer, and artist. Gene is originally from Veneta, Oregon and currently resides in Washougal, Washington. As Therapist in both local Eugene agencies, as well as private practice for 15 years, and as a Lead Pastor in Springfield Oregon for 5 years ( along with many other church based ministry roles thru the years) Gene has a heart for those that are both in the spiritual and mental healing professions. As an artist Gene focuses on sculpture and functional art items that take up space and have to be noticed.
Design by ThemeShift.