So here we are 6 years and 3 months from the first one! When I talk to most people who are getting one it seems that there is always more than a little apprehension at the unknown. What will it mean if it is back? What will I do? What will we do? It’s okay there aren’t any symptoms, this time …right? These thoughts grow more remote as time passes, but these thoughts are many times a part of the road of survivorship of the diseases of cancer. You go days, maybe even weeks, and months without thinking about it, but then there is this scan to just check and make sure. For me this was my last one in this season of my life. I have reached the cure mark of 5 years.
I am excited and blessed by this information:
Guess what? Life still has other unknowns!
What is it about the unknown that gets to us human beings? It’s as if 1000s of years of biology tell us that something horrible is waiting around the corner about to eat us, and if we worry enough about it we can prevent it. The truth is something will eventually eat us (metaphorically I hope), take our current physical life, and usher us into a new plane of life. Nevertheless; we are afraid, concerned, and spend some serious energy grasping at keeping what it is that we think we can control. The truth is (unlike in the past) I was not overly concerned this time about the scan. It now less of journey and more of a conclusion and beginning. I also got to drink this delicious berry flavored drink with low-level radioactive materials so the machine can map my insides. This marks number 25 of CAT scans and 17 of PET scans so I think I am glowing. God is closing some doors and opening new ones. Yes there are unknowns, things are challenging, hard, joyous , difficult , and beautiful. Just like they are supposed to be.
In July of 2012 we bought a house and moved. In the process of moving we finally let go of a bunch of stuff that we had inherited from our now deceased parents. We decided at that point that it was time to conclude a chapter and begin another. I was very ill from salvage chemo at the time, but we had this huge garage sale, and my friend John came to check in. John had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 2-3 years before and had gone thru just about every type of brutally wild treatment there seemed to be. He had been told conflicting timelines for his life span, and he had outlived all of them. He told very funny stories about his treatments such as being put into a chamber and exposed to Gamma radiation while the technicians stared at him thru a window. He made a joke about turning into the Hulk.
John was now on a medication to keep the cancer at bay , and he was working part-time and caring for his family. He was a well liked man and a loving involved father. We talked on the porch about the future, and how his family was dealing with his illness as well as how my family was dealing with mine. Looking over our giant sale he joked about the unimportance of stuff, and talked of his love for God and the fact that you can’t take it with you. I thought, ” if I have to take this with me, I’ll just stay here”. He then said something that has stuck with me, and was a key to my acceptance of the “unknown” what was happening in that moment.
In response to the anxiety over all the “unknowns” and the anxiety of his own friends and family he said, “in the end it will be okay, for all of us, nobody gets out alive”. You are probably thinking, “that’s a buzz kill”, but as with so many things, it was about timing. It fit that moment and that context brilliantly. What John was saying was that he was at peace with the bigger picture. Even though he was accepting treatment he wasn’t focused on the disease, dying, or even trying to live forever. He was focusing on the things that mattered to him which were his relationship with God, and his family. It was not fatalistic, it was freeing.
In that moment I was calmed. The acceptance of life and death by this man who maintained humor and love for the people around him thru all of his pain and struggle was freeing to me. I knew I would still feel sorrow and joy, and the cycle of it all was inevitable, and I needed to put myself into what really mattered, just being alive right now. The life that God gives me. There is a difference between avoiding death and living life. One is surviving, clinging, and anxiety filled, and the other is living (even with pain) into what is important and valuable.
Here we are close to 6 years later, and I am still thinking about that day, and I thank the Lord that He helped me thru. I still deal with reminders each day that things are a bit different now. Much better in some ways and challenging in others. I am glad to be alive, and I believe that there is more life to be lived, big and little things to do, and more people to reach out to in this world. I am also glad that John said that me in that moment because it has increased my ability to be calm about this life when I feel like things are too difficult, and too unknown. I know that there is more beyond this.
With this scan there is an end and a beginning. There is an end to this season and beginning to a new one. I am sitting at Mt Hood Meadows today writing most of this with a fractured foot ( another story), and my son and his friend are snowboarding. I am glad to be alive, and see him enjoy his life. I am glad that I get to go drink radioactive juice, and I am glad I get to eat ribs with my family tonight. I am glad that my daughter is going to college next year, and I accept that I’m not sure how to pay for some of it. I am glad that my truck needs a new water pump. I am glad that my wife planted flowers in the front yard, and talked about it for 1/2 and hour with a big smile. I am glad …. Do I hurt, worry, or struggle with unknowns? Of course, but I know that I am alive, and I know that no one gets out alive, and I am free to live thru acceptance!
Gene is Husband to the amazing Daleasha, Father to the amazing Daisy, Nate, and Silas, lover of Christ, licensed counselor, ordained pastor, writer, and artist. Gene is originally from Veneta, Oregon and currently resides in Washougal, Washington. As Therapist in both local Eugene agencies, as well as private practice for 15 years, and as a Lead Pastor in Springfield Oregon for 5 years ( along with many other church based ministry roles thru the years) Gene has a heart for those that are both in the spiritual and mental healing professions. As an artist Gene focuses on sculpture and functional art items that take up space and have to be noticed.
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