We live in world filled with the promotion of “moving on” as the key to emotional freedom. People are told to move on from one relationship to all sorts of new relationships: move on from loss, move on from a job, or just move on to a new place.
Moving on from something painful seems to have become equated to emotional health and strength. While staying still is equated with being stuck and ineffective at life.
Maybe no place is this more apparent than the concept of “moving on” from a broken intimate relationship or close friendship.
We are shown in media that “moving on” is healthy and “should” happen within a certain time frame. In seeming contradiction human observation sometimes tells us that after “moving on” many people seem to pick similar intimate partners, or friends (sometimes over and over), or repeat similar lifestyle choices leading to the same results again. One observable factor in these situations is the pressure from the broader culture to “move on” quickly. Sometimes this pressure can even come from those closest to us. All of this moving on without really moving forward with life.
When people are always “moving on” without examination, or learning, they can remain stuck in the same feedback loop of thinking, behavior, and choices without any change. They are in fact “moving on” without moving forward!
“Wherever you go, there you are” is an old-time saying with a great deal of reality based wisdom. The idea of the saying is that whatever is with you; the joys and/or internal struggles, will be there in some way even if you change your geography. This is not to say that geographical changes are unhealthy, or even unneeded (issues of safety, or leaving toxic relationships sometimes necessitates quick moves), but generally if those issues are not present, running to something is frequently better than just running away from something.
The difference is important, “Moving On” is often equated to leaving one place/situation and moving to the next. Moving forward can be likened to a struggle in one place that teaches us about moving to the next. Back in the day just ”moving on” was often referred to as the idea of the “grass being greener on the other side”.
Yea, that sounds amazing. It has been a great day of snowboarding. A triumphant return after nearly 5 years of not riding. There were miles of beautiful runs with fresh powder to ride and then, ” we should go to the massive bowl at the top of mountain?” The sun was shining, the snow was light and fluffy, the air cold and crisp. As we got off the lift at the top of the mountain, my companions said, “we have to hike to the bowl and traverse a double black diamond chute to get to the bowl”.
As I slowly slid across a double black diamond run on a narrow traverse I should have listened to the small voice whispering…This was probably not a good idea.
“Five- years off….. really old equipment…out of shape muscles, out of practice body…. snowboarding across an ice covered double black diamond run. But all I heard was untouched slopes await… the snow is so much better… let’s move on… or at least keep moving.
We strapped into our boards at the top of the double black diamond chute (a very steep snow run between two towering rocks). We set out on our traverse (crossing the chute). It was a narrow snow path beat thru the solid ice on the slope. The chute was probably 50 yards wide, but it felt like 100.
There was no hint of the soft powdered glory of the rest of the mountain here. Half way across the ice sheet, headed towards the rumored glorious powder of the “bowl”… it happened. From up above I heard “look out”. A snowboarder had fallen further up the chute, and he happened to be headed right for me.
Pause…
So what did I do?
Was this about that time that I cheated in chemistry in High School?…
Un-pause.
The chute was so steep that I was almost standing straight up and laying against the hill side. The fallen rider was now tumbling towards me rapidly, and his board hit me in the back of the head (never went again without a helmet).
My board came off our little traverse path, and I slid 3 feet down the chute fallen rider in tow, or maybe he was towing me. He let go and fell/slid 500 or so yards to the bottom, a distant tumbling mass. I think he was fine, but I did not see him again. I was now in a precarious place. Every move I made just made me slide further, and I couldn’t get my snowboard edge to hold in the ice. Moving on down the chute wasn’t looking good at all, but I still had to move on, across the chute, to my friends, and to perceived safety.
I couldn’t really move though, without sliding, and the only thing that was really holding me there was my fists punching holes in the ice, and my snowboard’s very ineffective edge.
Ski patrol had seen what was happening from the top, and apparently had been rescuing people all day from this chute.
I came to find out they were rescuing people from the” amazing bowl” as well. Patrol slid down next to me, and asked me if I needed help. I could have let my pride take over and said “no”. I wasn’t feeling really prideful about my “moving on” decision to ride the bowl that day so I said “yes, of course”. Patrol slowly made his way down to me, and assisted me by helping me to unstrap, and punching stairs with his ski boots into the ice and snow. We walked an ice stairway up and out of the chute. 15 minutes later I stood at the top looking out at Central Oregon and nursing my sore head.
I later learned from my companions that had went on to the “amazing bowl” that the entire “amazing bowl” (basically most of the top of the mountain) was a solid sheet of ice.
The messages seem to be telling you that moving on is the healthy thing to do, the beautiful thing to do. Maybe it looked greener, and you leaped to soon into something with disastrous results. Now, you find that you are in a desert or a spotty grass field? Maybe it is starting to look like the very field that you just left?
Moving forward admits that there were some things that were tough and challenging and accepts that those issues can influence future decisions. Moving forward is sometimes slow and sometimes fast.
Moving forward is not a knee jerk reaction, running from something with no clear objective, and it doesn’t lack purpose.
Moving forward doesn’t mean you have all the answers, but it does have sense of purpose to the next step.
Sometimes we need another person to step in and help us move forward in a healthy way, and sometimes we might even need them to guide us forward!
I was stuck in that chute headed for another stuck place! My life was not being held in the balance at that point, but in my mind, it was.
In my mind there was no way out (without much pain). It took someone else with a different perspective and set of appropriate skills to come along to help me see another way to move forward. “Moving on” was at the bottom of the shoot or on across to more of the same in the giant bowl.
By the way, both of my companions made it across the chute only to spend the next 2 hours slipping, sliding, and falling down the middle of the mountain top, which was covered in ice!
I could have said, “no, I got this”, and tried to get across only to find that it was probably worse. More of the same from here! I needed help and I needed to get real about where my ability and equipment level was at. Moving forward is an evaluative process. This means we have to think about what has happened, how it happened, and ways we want for our next steps; however, small to be meaningful and vital.
This could be seen as a funny campfire story and maybe seems disconnected from the more painful situations that you or I may face today. It wasn’t funny then though, and I actually stopped snowboarding for a while because of that situation. I started again though and now I enjoy it even more. How much more has serious painful loss, or other tough situations stopped people from moving forward with life?
I have lived thru many losses in life both deaths, some painful relationships, and poor decisions. I have “moved on” on my own, and the grass wasn’t greener. It took unnecessary time to learn that in those moments that “moving on” wasn’t moving forward with my life. I could’ve used “a person” to punch that stair thru the ice of my life to help me move forward, but for whatever reason I didn’t seek it.
I repeated some of the same mistakes and lived in struggle when I could have moved forward into a more vital life. If you are tempted to “just move on” from your situation think about what moving forward looks like, how it could be different, and who could help you do that.
Gene is Husband to the amazing Daleasha, Father to the amazing Daisy, Nate, and Silas, lover of Christ, licensed counselor, ordained pastor, writer, and artist. Gene is originally from Veneta, Oregon and currently resides in Washougal, Washington. As Therapist in both local Eugene agencies, as well as private practice for 15 years, and as a Lead Pastor in Springfield Oregon for 5 years ( along with many other church based ministry roles thru the years) Gene has a heart for those that are both in the spiritual and mental healing professions. As an artist Gene focuses on sculpture and functional art items that take up space and have to be noticed.
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