So males; got it all together? No anxiety here! Money in bank, stable job, solid relationship, God on speed dial just in case? It’s easy to see that this is a fallacy of the highest degree, but I hope it got your attention.
I am a man, a follower of Christ, and I am a long time anxiety experiencer. Certainly anxiety is not gender specific or limited, but I write today as a male because I have talked with so many men who are isolated and miserable in their internal world. They think that they are the only one (or only one of a few). Anxiety has in the long past been almost debilitating in my life, but I have learned one important fact. I experience anxiety, but I do not want it to define me; I am not anxiety! Thru communicating with others, counsel and prayer, I experience it, but I can make the choice about the relationship that I have with it in my life. It only directs my day if I let it do that.
Predispositions to anxiety, historical trauma, and acute and chronic depression are just a few of the factors that can influence how, when, and how severely anxiety is experienced. Lets face it, we want to life to be predictable so we aren’t scared about the future, and yet so many of us walk around scared and anxious because of unresolved or undiscussed past experiences.
So many men who are locked up inside with all sorts of trauma, fear, and depression.
Some choose to self medicate by doing destructive things to themselves, and destructive things to others. Some lose their health to all sorts of chronic illnesses exasperated by stress, and still others commit suicide. Many of these scenarios have built to there painful crescendo in an isolation of a distorted view of manhood as a wall of unemotional strength, power and/or control. Help and seeking help is for the weak. Pursuits such as money, sex, and a whole host of unhealthy distractions eclipse life and eclipse the creativity of God that exists within it really is the difference between thriving and surviving.
I have even heard it said in some Christian circles that “anxiety is sin”! As if we needed another thing to be anxious about. Yes, it does say in paraphrase “Don’t be anxious” 20+ times in the Gospels, but Christ is expressing this as a concern and an affirmation of God’s desire for our wholeness and God’s providence for us. It is a wholeness of peace that grows in relationship to God, and as we relate to other believers (our proximity to relationship effects our Christian walk profoundly). “Please don’t be anxious I will take care of you!”
According to one statistic in Men’s Health Forum, in 2014, in America, most of the suicides by men were in the age range of 45-59 and the risk factors identified were age and socioeconomic status. I will not fill this article with large quantities of statistics. For this purpose it is enough to say that we have a significant suicide problem. I am not writing today to figure out all of the etiology of why some men, women, adolescents, or even children commit suicide or slide into deep depression and struggle day after day with debilitating anxiety. There are far to many varied reasons for me cover in this article.
Being the strong silent type doesn’t work. Isolation and silence is our enemy. Out of isolation comes all sorts of suffering and struggle. Out of internal isolation and bottling things up all kinds of poor relational actions take place that effect us, and those around us. We live in misery with our anxiety afraid to voice it lest we be called weak or broken.
There is a great Acceptance and Commitment Therapy metaphor image, by Russ Harris that talks about acceptance vs striving and resistance:
Your life could be like a house that you purchased on a beautiful street and you desire for all your new neighbors to come over and visit. After all you want relationships that you can share your life with right. You post a flier inviting those around you over for visit. The guests arrive and you send them to the beautiful backyard for food and drinks. 1/2 hour into the party the bell rings, and you open to find your next door neighbor Anxious Smith standing there. We will call him A. Smith for short. A. Smith pushes his way past you, and out to the backyard which is fine except that most the guests are dressed pretty nice and A. Smith is dressed in filthy clothes, talks really loud, coughs a lot, and eats with his mouth open (all of the shrimp cocktail). The Party becomes very uncomfortable …for you.
You usher A. Smith into the kitchen which he try’s to push his way out of again. Alone in the Kitchen holding the door you battle with A. Smith. Hours go by, and the party dwindles. The happy attendees leave the party and so does A. Smith. Exhausted and alone you wait by the front door watching the guests leave and a new guest, Depression Smith approach. Looks like he will take the night shift in your home.
Sound familiar? Maybe, maybe not? I don’t know about you, but isolation can look a lot like this. Tons of energy keeping whatever that anxiety is about contained, and hidden. Putting on the best face, all the time stuck in the kitchen worried that the guests in our lives will see A. Smith and run screaming out of our lives. We can be alone in the crowds and miserable.
Lets try this from a different perspective. Think now about your “life” house on your street, and the party with all the neighbors there and A. Smith shows up, dirty, coughing and eating all the shrimp cocktail, but instead of pushing him into the kitchen you follow him into the backyard and introduce him to a few people. A. Smith still isn’t really any more attractive, or fun, but you just allow him to be in the space. He floats from group to group and you continue to enjoy your party. You aren’t isolated anymore hiding in the kitchen battling by yourself because you are no longer living alone in your experience. Life becomes more connected and A. Smith may be there, but you give him less attention then you once did.
Talking with trusted people and allowing them to know you, is taking back your life by stopping the avoidance and engaging in activities that make meaning in your life. That action steers you towards what is valuable to you which is fulfilling relationships. Anxiety Smith and Depression Smith will both try to tell you that keeping them secret is the best way to avoid rejection or shame. These are just thoughts to try to keep you safe, but they actually keep you stuck and put you in more danger because they don’t work.
The key is not to change the thought, but to change your relationship with the thought, and place what is valuable in front of you as a guide. In this case relationship, freedom, and intimacy. Usually secrets aren’t helpful values to live your life by!
Let me tell you, there are places and people to help. If you have been telling yourself that your anxiety (or depression) is ridiculous and just trying to suppress it down by yourself let me ask, “How is that working”? Same thoughts and feelings just a different day. Try something new if you want something new.
Whatever is feeding your anxiety there are methods that can help you change your relationship with it. Historical trauma can feed a great deal of anxiety and finding and participating in a counseling relationship can go far to unpack and heal those experiences.
Other routes for removing isolation are to confide in a trusted friend, but if that doesn’t fit then a counselor or pastor to confide and talk to is a good option. Finding the right body of Christian believers to be involved in can be a huge help. First and foremost, pray and ask God to show you people to build relationships with so that you can shed the isolation myth. This may take time, but ask around for groups of men (or women if you are a woman reading this) that meet to support one another in the community, or in a Church. Pastors or counselors can usually point you in the right direction. You can live a life that is vital and abundant in spite of anxiety.
Gene is Husband to the amazing Daleasha, Father to the amazing Daisy, Nate, and Silas, lover of Christ, licensed counselor, ordained pastor, writer, and artist. Gene is originally from Veneta, Oregon and currently resides in Washougal, Washington. As Therapist in both local Eugene agencies, as well as private practice for 15 years, and as a Lead Pastor in Springfield Oregon for 5 years ( along with many other church based ministry roles thru the years) Gene has a heart for those that are both in the spiritual and mental healing professions. As an artist Gene focuses on sculpture and functional art items that take up space and have to be noticed.
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