Many of us have those images that we carry with us. Images that can refine or tear down closely held Values within us. Maybe you know what I am talking about. These are the images fixed in moment in time that we sometimes we wish we could forget, or that we never want to forget. Maybe we remember because it is grief, didn’t make sense, is part of a great success, or any other host of reasons. For some it is pain of the flashbacks of tragedy, for others the beauty of beginning of life. For many people it is both.
It was cold out.
I had made the 20-minute drive once again to my Father’s house in Veneta, Oregon. Mostly known now days for the Oregon Country Fair. Veneta actually really does exist the other 360 days out of the year as a bedroom community of Eugene, Oregon. I don’t remember the drive there, or home, probably because I had done it hundreds of times.
My Father was dying and I had to go to his house to provide respite care. I had been at my classes at college in Eugene, back to my job at the church, home to my wife, and now out to take care of my Father. We talked that day, but mostly I watched my Father’s weakening figure sleep in a pain killer induced slumber. My Father was strong man weekend by his 2 year battle with cancer. I think he had actually been sick much longer, but only after a couple of years of feeling poorly did he seek help medically.
As I left, I drove out of the rainy driveway reluctantly headed back to Eugene, and as I looked over at the old house I saw my Father raise up and wave his hand at me in the foggy window by his bed.
In the moment I felt the weight of leaving, the weight of staying, and the weight of the impending loss.
For years after, that memory of that cold February day, could bring me to tears or sullen mood. Even though that day was not my Father’s passing it has come to symbolize the end of His life to me. It was His way of saying goodbye. It was, and is a powerful image to me. Even as I write now, it brings me into a mixture of sobriety at the experience of the moment, and joy in the knowledge of my Fathers freedom in the after-life.
These moments sometimes help us and can sometimes hinder us as we live our lives from this point forward. We find ourselves looking at these moments differently as time puts its inevitable space between us and that event (now 20 years ago for me). Yet at times, for no apparent reason, it quickly comes to mind. It is important to remember that the power of these events cannot be measured against the events in other people’s lives because it is distinctly your own experience shaped and shaping your personal Values.
Some of our memories, and powerful experiences can create prisons from which we struggle to escape. The memory can en-cage us in a place that seems frozen in time. Maybe that is the case for you today.
These thoughts and emotions can keep us in a place of stuckness.
We may start to avoid the thoughts and emotions thru distractions or coping strategies all the while noticing that the more we avoid the more strength they seem to gain. Some of our actions when we have these memories are more helpful than others. Some actions are healthy leading to growth and direction, and some can be avoidant of tough feelings even downright destructive.
I realized after several years, and the wise words of a friend spoken in passing, that nothing seems to cement these difficult images as much as feeling that I violated my own value system in the process of this image being created.
For several years I felt guilt for leaving that day and the image would remind me of that. With time and reflection, I have come to know this and other moments as sacred memories of the passing of my Father, during which I was not able to provide him with all of the care that he needed. I have accepted that it was better for him to have help from another caregiver for his own values of dignity and personal respect. The gift I was given, was to spend those times and days with him in the end of his life. It was in the moments that we mended old wounds and I received his simple Arizona cowboy wisdom about life that I have found to be more helpful than half the books I have read. Reconciliation was the Value that was important and God gave him and me that gift.
2 years later as I lay in that same house, and in that same room that the hand in the window memory was created, I held my new-born daughter on my chest as I lay in the recliner.
We had just come home to the house that I had inherited from my Father 2 years before after his passing. I lay there somewhere between great joy and a small amount of sorrow because I had this new amazing creature in my life and I couldn’t share it with my Father or my Mother who had passed suddenly 8 years before. I hold that memory as even more dear today as my daughter is heading to college in 2 months and is looking at her future journey as an adult. This was the place that one life had ended and a new life now resided.
I know that she will experience her own memories. Some will stick with her like the hand on the window or the little child snuggled close, and many will flash on by with time fading in their importance. For those that were created in inevitable difficult circumstances I hope and pray that she will accept and not avoid. That she will look to those internal values that are important to her and seek out an action that affirms rather than violates those values.
These images shape us, they can encourage and can discourage us, but most importantly they teach us something.
Values such as compassion, connection, respect. At the same time, they can remind us that turning away from our Values can create lasting challenging images that are difficult and influential to our lives.
I have never met anyone that hasn’t violated some sort of personal value at some point in time. The key to moving forward in life is what you do with those images now.
Do you re-orientate and redirect your actions towards your values? Do you express the same compassion to yourself that God gave and gives you? If you find yourself reflecting on an image today that is closely held and powerful in your life I encourage you to look at how the importance that this closely held image informs you about your Values. How can you use that information to move forward and live more fully into your Values? For more detailed information subscribe to my blog and receive a free 3 part email on defining and living into your values.
Gene is Husband to the amazing Daleasha, Father to the amazing Daisy, Nate, and Silas, lover of Christ, licensed counselor, ordained pastor, writer, and artist. Gene is originally from Veneta, Oregon and currently resides in Washougal, Washington. As Therapist in both local Eugene agencies, as well as private practice for 15 years, and as a Lead Pastor in Springfield Oregon for 5 years ( along with many other church based ministry roles thru the years) Gene has a heart for those that are both in the spiritual and mental healing professions. As an artist Gene focuses on sculpture and functional art items that take up space and have to be noticed.
In a prior blog post
you were asked to take some time to identify 10 Values that are important to you as you live your life. Remember that you may not be fully living into these Values in the way you would like, or even believe possible at this point. Remember that it is one thing to know and not yet be there, but more of struggle to be moving in the wrong direction without knowing at all.
In this email you will look at identifying some of your barriers to your actions that should be guided by your Values. We will also look at ways to move beyond those barriers.
Many of our barriers are based in thoughts and feelings that are trying to keep us on the “safe path” even if it is taking us away from our Values to places of unworkable actions and dissatisfied living.
For Example: For many of younger years I wanted to be more social (a good, but distant desire) and yet I often found myself alone and afraid to put myself out there for fear of rejection. At that time, I had unidentified and unmet Values of Connection, Compassion, and Curiosity, and my desire of being more social was not a goal aligned with any Value. I did not know the real solid reasons that I had that desire or what I could do the move towards those Values.
My feelings and thoughts were telling me that I would be safer at home watching television, avoiding eye contact, and generally doing things that weren’t very social. That worked fine for my perceptions of safety and rejection avoidance, but I was surviving, not living, becoming more anxious, and dissatisfied with my life at that point (although I hid it).
Workable action for my life came from realizing that this was an unworkable feedback loop. My actions were not in line with my values and were making my life less vital and more dissatisfying. I like people and I wanted to have connection, show compassion, learn about, and help others, and here I was at home watching TV safe and miserable.
Let’s look start looking at ways to figure out aligning Actions with Values by answering these questions!
Where are your actions out of alignment with one or several of your Values that you listed?
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If you are stumped here are some helpful questions for this exercise:
What do I need more of right now?
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“Where do I feel I could do better with my values?
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What do I need less of?
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What am I yearning for?
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What am I starving for?”
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Who or what is causing me to feel resentful and why?
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Another piece to look at is where are your actions in line with your listed Values?
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The Second part of this exercise is to take some time to identify what actions can be taken to move in the Direction of Your Values and what feelings or thoughts will occur and will come with those actions.
If I took one or more different actions today to move towards my Values what would it/they be?
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What is the emotion or thought that comes to mind that is compelling you away from that Value? (that is the emotion or thought that you will have coming with you when you move in the direction of your Values) (could be anxiety or it could be Joy or any number of other emotions)
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If you are not moving in the direction of your Values, then a feeling or thought may be telling you not to. When I finally decided to work on being more social it was not an easy decision, but staying where I was, was worse.
For Example: If you are wanting to express, your compassion Value by volunteering in a shelter, but you are afraid of some sort of emotional discomfort then that feeling will likely dictate your actions if you allow it too. If you listen to the feeling and its prompting, you will likely continue to exist slightly outside of your Value of compassion and dissatisfied. Allowing that feeling or thought to just be there and going the help at the shelter anyway often reveals that the feeling or thought had very little merit or reality to it.
In fact other thoughts and feelings will likely also come that are more in alignment with your Value. Those thoughts and feelings can be a noisy back seat driver if allowed. It is like the annoying guest in my Blog titled “Why Men Aren’t Anxious about Anything”the party or just allow to be and go enjoy the party.
Let’s go enjoy the party! See the next email for helpful suggestions to move forward from surviving to living by setting goals aligned with the Values you have identified and address those pesky back-seat driver emotions and thoughts!
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Gene is Husband to the amazing Daleasha, Father to the amazing Daisy, Nate, and Silas, lover of Christ, licensed counselor, ordained pastor, writer, and artist. Gene is originally from Veneta, Oregon and currently resides in Washougal, Washington. As Therapist in both local Eugene agencies, as well as private practice for 15 years, and as a Lead Pastor in Springfield Oregon for 5 years ( along with many other church based ministry roles thru the years) Gene has a heart for those that are both in the spiritual and mental healing professions. As an artist Gene focuses on sculpture and functional art items that take up space and have to be noticed.
Aren’t depression and anxiety causes of loneliness you say? Yes, they are diagnosed at an epidemic level in the USA and increasingly in other countries as well, but often acute anxiety and acute and even chronic depression are fueled by our isolation and feelings of loneliness.
Statistically, one of the groups of people reporting the greatest loneliness are 18-24 year old adults. While media shows happy young adults hanging out together statistics point to a different conclusion. While not exclusive to this group, there are significant transitions being experienced. Transitions that can be related to living situation, vocational changes, and/or the beginning or ending of significant relationships.
As with any group that is going thru transition there is an increased risk for depression, anxiety, and general dissatisfaction with where they are relationally. This is not to say that the 18-24 year old group has to be struggling with depression, anxiety, or loneliness from transition, but that there is enough studies of these issues to make a significant statistical impact.
It is truly enough of an issue that appears in repeated studies that many colleges are instituting anti-loneliness campaigns to combat issues of loneliness.
It would seem that our constant connection thru social media platforms would create less loneliness, but reported levels of loneliness and isolation are higher than in any historical statistic has indicated to date.
The “snapshot communication” while producing the quick dopamine blast associated with affirmation or initial connection is not the same as walking and talking with someone (even on the phone or Skype). Social media can be like being stuck in the infatuation phase of a relationship and never moving to the deep commitment phase, a bit of a rush but not really satisfying over time.
At best, most social media platforms could be classified as pseudo intimacy, enjoyable times to show highlights of life, or trully intimacy with very little chance of vulnerability.
At worst we hide carefully behind phone and computer screens creating idealized and even narcissistic views of ourselves, narrated and photo shopped with little chance of others seeing the real ups and downs of our existence.
Sitting in a restaurant recently I noticed a couple sitting across from one another both engrossed in their phones reading and vigorously texting for most of the hour that they sat there. Was there nothing to talk about? Was their no new joy or pain in the day, week, month? Too tired to talk but not to comment on posts? Maybe there was something going on I don’t know about, but personally I could comment on stuff at home over ramen noodles and save the money of going out with friend and paying $12 to not talk.
Have we traded the art of conversation for one sentence typed comments on idealized snapshots? It would seem we need more than this. When did this become the norm?
This was an excerpt from the first google article that came up when I searched loneliness statistics in college students.
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/manitoba/university-loneliness-back-to-school-1.3753653
“More than 43,000 students were surveyed for the National College Health Assessment (Canada).
It found about 30 per cent of students “felt very lonely” within the last two weeks.
The study also found nearly half of the students surveyed felt debilitatingly depressed in the past year.
44 per cent said they “felt so depressed that it was difficult to function.”
That’s almost 13,000 students struggling with loneliness, and almost 20,000 that were so depressed that they not functioning effectively.
Long before the days of social media I found the profound loneliness and depression that can be associated with the early adulthood time frame of life.
May of 1992 marked the beginning of a very tough and lonely year. I was 19 years old and I was about to have my world shook.
On May 6th, 1992 my mother suddenly passed away. It was unexpected and traumatic for my Father and myself. After the condolences and platitudes I was left to be alone with my questions and grief. 2 months after that I had a girlfriend left for college in the Midwest. It was August 1992 and I felt more alone and purposeless then I ever knew to be possible.
My Father was deep in grief and medical debt and most conversations would turn to one of those 2 subjects for the next 2 years. I struggled with the loneliness that grief, the end of a relationship, and being very young and not really having a strong identity could produce. I thought that going to college would help, but as I have mentioned in another post I did not have a real vision or purpose behind this so I did very poorly. By the time Christmas rolled around I was frequently sitting in my room for hours doing nothing, but thinking about how bad things were, grieving the loss of the life that I had known, or ruminating on not really wanting to be alive anymore. Life didn’t feel like it really had any hope in it at that point.
In 1992 and 1993 there wasn’t any social media or really any real internet to speak of yet. So phone calls, letters, and face to face conversations, were how connection happened, and it really wasn’t happening for me at that time. I also did not have a current support system of relationships because I was raised in very isolated fashion. I had a church I attended at the time, but it was the prime example of being alone in a crowd.
As I reflect back on those days it can feel as if I am looking at another person, but at times I can still feel that part of myself alone in the crowd. In the Spring of 1993, I was coming out of the dark space I had been in, and it was because God, and other people who came into my life to let me know that there was plenty more life to live. This healing season came thru relationships, and was the opposite of isolation and the loneliness that I had experienced before. It was thru face to face conversations , real-time spent, and corporate Christian experiences.
The state of my mind did not change overnight, but I can say in truth that staying the way I had been was not living, and it was barely surviving. If I had social media as my primary form of connection I believe that I would have been stuck in the isolated world I was living in much longer.
There are as many reasons that people of any age feel loneliness or are alone.
Trading face to face or even over the phone conversations for social media snapshots and comments and then living an isolated and lonely life is akin to cutting of your nose to spite your face. As in my case, and others circumstances such as loss, grief, rejection, or even abuse and trauma can create a space of self isolation and depression. Left alone in this state more distorted options such as self harm and suicide start to look viable as a cure for the pain.
It is of paramount importance that those we know that are struggling with the above issues are reached out too with love and relationship despite their, or our discomfort in the moment. Listening to people’s struggle without judgment and with concern and compassion can help move someone from the precipice of survival to the mountaintop of life.
What then of the isolation that we self inflict due to our own insecurity and the normal social anxiety of early adulthood. Overuse of phones and other electronic devices provide the perfect way to avoid the fears of rejection and the skill of making real conversation, dialogue, or be soothed or challenged. Much like the pacifier in the mouth of a 4-year-old providing comfortable distraction, over use of electronic media stunts the ability to learn self soothing in real-time, and can create a false and unsatisfying connection with others around us. Social Media is nice short way to stay connected but it is not the same as true connection.
Many people would wonder why is this 4-year-old has a pacifier in their mouth but never ask why 30 adults in a room are all staring at their phones and never speak a word to one another. This wouldn’t be a big deal if it was just one room but it’s in many rooms, buses, homes, planes, churches, schools, bedrooms, coffee shops, car trips, holiday gatherings, board meetings, cubicles, lunch rooms, parks, hikes…..get the picture. 13000 college students lonely in just one survey ….20000 more with depression that is interfering with functioning. Our overuse of “connecting thru social media platforms” as a primary socialization tool is not making us better it is creating a false sense of intimacy at the cost of the real thing.
The nitty-gritty beauty of relationship happens in face to face, or even in video or phone calls. We need each other, so after you done with this post close Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat etc. and go talk, or call someone (maybe they are right next to you already in your dorm, home, classroom, or even in the same bed).
Gene is Husband to the amazing Daleasha, Father to the amazing Daisy, Nate, and Silas, lover of Christ, licensed counselor, ordained pastor, writer, and artist. Gene is originally from Veneta, Oregon and currently resides in Washougal, Washington. As Therapist in both local Eugene agencies, as well as private practice for 15 years, and as a Lead Pastor in Springfield Oregon for 5 years ( along with many other church based ministry roles thru the years) Gene has a heart for those that are both in the spiritual and mental healing professions. As an artist Gene focuses on sculpture and functional art items that take up space and have to be noticed.
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