Aren’t depression and anxiety causes of loneliness you say? Yes, they are diagnosed at an epidemic level in the USA and increasingly in other countries as well, but often acute anxiety and acute and even chronic depression are fueled by our isolation and feelings of loneliness.
Statistically, one of the groups of people reporting the greatest loneliness are 18-24 year old adults. While media shows happy young adults hanging out together statistics point to a different conclusion. While not exclusive to this group, there are significant transitions being experienced. Transitions that can be related to living situation, vocational changes, and/or the beginning or ending of significant relationships.
As with any group that is going thru transition there is an increased risk for depression, anxiety, and general dissatisfaction with where they are relationally. This is not to say that the 18-24 year old group has to be struggling with depression, anxiety, or loneliness from transition, but that there is enough studies of these issues to make a significant statistical impact.
It is truly enough of an issue that appears in repeated studies that many colleges are instituting anti-loneliness campaigns to combat issues of loneliness.
It would seem that our constant connection thru social media platforms would create less loneliness, but reported levels of loneliness and isolation are higher than in any historical statistic has indicated to date.
The “snapshot communication” while producing the quick dopamine blast associated with affirmation or initial connection is not the same as walking and talking with someone (even on the phone or Skype). Social media can be like being stuck in the infatuation phase of a relationship and never moving to the deep commitment phase, a bit of a rush but not really satisfying over time.
At best, most social media platforms could be classified as pseudo intimacy, enjoyable times to show highlights of life, or trully intimacy with very little chance of vulnerability.
At worst we hide carefully behind phone and computer screens creating idealized and even narcissistic views of ourselves, narrated and photo shopped with little chance of others seeing the real ups and downs of our existence.
Sitting in a restaurant recently I noticed a couple sitting across from one another both engrossed in their phones reading and vigorously texting for most of the hour that they sat there. Was there nothing to talk about? Was their no new joy or pain in the day, week, month? Too tired to talk but not to comment on posts? Maybe there was something going on I don’t know about, but personally I could comment on stuff at home over ramen noodles and save the money of going out with friend and paying $12 to not talk.
Have we traded the art of conversation for one sentence typed comments on idealized snapshots? It would seem we need more than this. When did this become the norm?
This was an excerpt from the first google article that came up when I searched loneliness statistics in college students.
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/manitoba/university-loneliness-back-to-school-1.3753653
“More than 43,000 students were surveyed for the National College Health Assessment (Canada).
It found about 30 per cent of students “felt very lonely” within the last two weeks.
The study also found nearly half of the students surveyed felt debilitatingly depressed in the past year.
44 per cent said they “felt so depressed that it was difficult to function.”
That’s almost 13,000 students struggling with loneliness, and almost 20,000 that were so depressed that they not functioning effectively.
Long before the days of social media I found the profound loneliness and depression that can be associated with the early adulthood time frame of life.
May of 1992 marked the beginning of a very tough and lonely year. I was 19 years old and I was about to have my world shook.
On May 6th, 1992 my mother suddenly passed away. It was unexpected and traumatic for my Father and myself. After the condolences and platitudes I was left to be alone with my questions and grief. 2 months after that I had a girlfriend left for college in the Midwest. It was August 1992 and I felt more alone and purposeless then I ever knew to be possible.
My Father was deep in grief and medical debt and most conversations would turn to one of those 2 subjects for the next 2 years. I struggled with the loneliness that grief, the end of a relationship, and being very young and not really having a strong identity could produce. I thought that going to college would help, but as I have mentioned in another post I did not have a real vision or purpose behind this so I did very poorly. By the time Christmas rolled around I was frequently sitting in my room for hours doing nothing, but thinking about how bad things were, grieving the loss of the life that I had known, or ruminating on not really wanting to be alive anymore. Life didn’t feel like it really had any hope in it at that point.
In 1992 and 1993 there wasn’t any social media or really any real internet to speak of yet. So phone calls, letters, and face to face conversations, were how connection happened, and it really wasn’t happening for me at that time. I also did not have a current support system of relationships because I was raised in very isolated fashion. I had a church I attended at the time, but it was the prime example of being alone in a crowd.
As I reflect back on those days it can feel as if I am looking at another person, but at times I can still feel that part of myself alone in the crowd. In the Spring of 1993, I was coming out of the dark space I had been in, and it was because God, and other people who came into my life to let me know that there was plenty more life to live. This healing season came thru relationships, and was the opposite of isolation and the loneliness that I had experienced before. It was thru face to face conversations , real-time spent, and corporate Christian experiences.
The state of my mind did not change overnight, but I can say in truth that staying the way I had been was not living, and it was barely surviving. If I had social media as my primary form of connection I believe that I would have been stuck in the isolated world I was living in much longer.
There are as many reasons that people of any age feel loneliness or are alone.
Trading face to face or even over the phone conversations for social media snapshots and comments and then living an isolated and lonely life is akin to cutting of your nose to spite your face. As in my case, and others circumstances such as loss, grief, rejection, or even abuse and trauma can create a space of self isolation and depression. Left alone in this state more distorted options such as self harm and suicide start to look viable as a cure for the pain.
It is of paramount importance that those we know that are struggling with the above issues are reached out too with love and relationship despite their, or our discomfort in the moment. Listening to people’s struggle without judgment and with concern and compassion can help move someone from the precipice of survival to the mountaintop of life.
What then of the isolation that we self inflict due to our own insecurity and the normal social anxiety of early adulthood. Overuse of phones and other electronic devices provide the perfect way to avoid the fears of rejection and the skill of making real conversation, dialogue, or be soothed or challenged. Much like the pacifier in the mouth of a 4-year-old providing comfortable distraction, over use of electronic media stunts the ability to learn self soothing in real-time, and can create a false and unsatisfying connection with others around us. Social Media is nice short way to stay connected but it is not the same as true connection.
Many people would wonder why is this 4-year-old has a pacifier in their mouth but never ask why 30 adults in a room are all staring at their phones and never speak a word to one another. This wouldn’t be a big deal if it was just one room but it’s in many rooms, buses, homes, planes, churches, schools, bedrooms, coffee shops, car trips, holiday gatherings, board meetings, cubicles, lunch rooms, parks, hikes…..get the picture. 13000 college students lonely in just one survey ….20000 more with depression that is interfering with functioning. Our overuse of “connecting thru social media platforms” as a primary socialization tool is not making us better it is creating a false sense of intimacy at the cost of the real thing.
The nitty-gritty beauty of relationship happens in face to face, or even in video or phone calls. We need each other, so after you done with this post close Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat etc. and go talk, or call someone (maybe they are right next to you already in your dorm, home, classroom, or even in the same bed).
Gene is Husband to the amazing Daleasha, Father to the amazing Daisy, Nate, and Silas, lover of Christ, licensed counselor, ordained pastor, writer, and artist. Gene is originally from Veneta, Oregon and currently resides in Washougal, Washington. As Therapist in both local Eugene agencies, as well as private practice for 15 years, and as a Lead Pastor in Springfield Oregon for 5 years ( along with many other church based ministry roles thru the years) Gene has a heart for those that are both in the spiritual and mental healing professions. As an artist Gene focuses on sculpture and functional art items that take up space and have to be noticed.
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