A key way to manage issues of avoidance in your life!

It ironic that I am writing about avoidance when I am  late on posting this week ;).

Most people have some sort of avoidance mechanism in their life. Other words for it might be procrastination, distraction, busyness, or plain old fear. For some people there is healthy avoidance, it’s a moment of quiet to regroup ( stepping away, taking a breather, playing a brief game on your phone), and for others it disrupts their life on a regular basis (unopened mail, hours of screen time, overworking, even substance abuse). 

What is it about avoidance that seems to pervade our human existence. Humans avoid certain things that are uncomfortable causing us to create situations that are unworkable for our values, and detrimental to our relationships?

There are literally hundreds of books on how to overcome procrastination, avoidance, and other descriptors for distraction, and yet it seems that it is still a pervasive human experience. While I don’t have the all-inclusive solution for all avoidance issues I would like to distill it down into a few thought-provoking questions, and an activity   that will allow for a look at the good, the bad of avoidance, and a way to start stopping avoiding;).

1. Small avoidances, breaks, short procrastinations, small distractions are not all bad and actually can create  space for thinking and better focus and outcomes on the other end. A brain and body respite.
2. Avoidance when used to significantly delay needed, but anxiety provoking tasks, conversations, or difficult decisions always increases stress, and life dissatisfaction in the long run. To assist with overcoming these kind of avoidances you can include a question: “What is this tendency to avoid telling me”?

1. Avoidance, in the first scenario is a workable action allowing to us to pursue our values thru thinking, clearing our mind, or resting.

2. Avoidance in the second scenario is an unworkable action, steering us away from our values, and increasing our stress response.

In 1992 I decided to go back to college and I enrolled in community college to become an audio engineer. I liked the “idea” of being an engineer and my girlfriend  at the time was a singer so I thought in my 20-year-old brain that this would seal the deal, so to say, about our future together.

Their were several challenges to this. First, I had essentially been out of school for 2 years and I had not really been such a stellar student in High School ( barely graduated). Second, I had an idea of what I wanted to do, but the reality of what it was, and what it would take to get there were 2 different things. I really had no vision, and I did not have the discipline,  confidence, or external support (accountability) to complete what was in front of me. 

I soon found myself floundering in a sea of incomplete tasks, homework that was done poorly or not at all, and poor grades. The truth again was that even with my new audio engineer idea, I had no vision or passion for what I was pursuing and no external support to hold me accountable to completion. Instead of doing homework I would watch television, or other activities that were not really about becoming and audio engineer. I was avoiding, because my goals were out of touch with values. I new deep down that vocation was not really what I was called to. 

After one term I quit school and worked part-time. I took the incomplete and several D’s as a sign that my audio career was not to be. What happened over the next 9 months was multi faceted, but essentially I became aligned with my values again.

I learned that the values of                          

1. Helping people heal  
2. Seeing others succeed                                                                                  
3. Experiencing beauty

were values that were very important to me.

In September of 1993 I enrolled in school with a new “idea” and vision of becoming a counselor which I did achieve. It was long and hard and I had to make some changes.

I learned quickly that television was not a good idea if I was to complete homework. I set up a space in front of a window and set specific times that I would engage math specifically. I did not have a home computer at that time so I went to the computer lab at the college and spent many hours typing English papers in a less distracted environment.

Most importantly I had a vision, and at that point people who saw that vision in me as my future.  I have to confess that it was not and has not been easy as I am easily distractible from what it is that I am doing, but I have learned that this distractibility, and avoidance can be based in some definable fears. 

1. I might be missing out on something
2. I want to be in control of my surroundings 
3. I might be successful and then what will happen, how will I manage?

It is interesting that fears and desires such as these are short-term ways to “feel safe”, but only increase long-term stress by limiting our future choices, and creating dissatisfaction.

Finally, an experiment for you this week;

1. Examine one thing in your life that you are avoiding. It doesn’t matter, big or small!
2. Create a scenario of what would happen if you stopped avoiding that one thing (a quick future focused idea of the outcome)
3. List 1-3 reasons that your thoughts and feelings are telling you to avoid this “thing”
4. List 1-3 values that would you would be moving towards in your life if you accepted the feelings of avoidance and did it anyway

Avoidance isn’t all bad, sometimes we just need a course correction, a vision of the values that are steering us, goals as markers along the road to those values, and sometimes we just need a break to breath. Avoidance (breaks) can serve a purpose when it is managed as a tool of rest, refocus, and rejuvenation just don’t let that purpose turn into something negative such as being stuck, consistently frozen in fear, and/or detached from your values.

Gene

Gene is Husband to the amazing Daleasha, Father to the amazing Daisy, Nate, and Silas, lover of Christ, licensed counselor, ordained pastor, writer, and artist. Gene is originally from Veneta, Oregon and currently resides in Washougal, Washington. As Therapist in both local Eugene agencies, as well as private practice for 15 years, and as a Lead Pastor in Springfield Oregon for 5 years ( along  with many other church based ministry roles thru the years) Gene has a heart for those that are both in the spiritual and mental healing professions. As an artist Gene focuses on sculpture and functional art  items that take up space and have to be noticed.