I am easily distracted from writing things. At the same time I am constantly thinking about subjects to write about. Usually things that are related to helping people live more fully and thrive, my own experiences, ways that I think God is speaking to me, and the occasional movie script. Today, I find myself writing somewhere between the distraction of my news feed and new ideas for art.
So much has been written about the power of distraction in today’s world as if distraction is this new and powerful coping mechanism that no one knew about until smart phones were invented. It is quite amazing the level that humans will go to create and participate in distracting events. Of course there are some great distractions out there……..wait a minute you think, I thought distractions were not good. Distractions can result in loss of productivity, procrastination, internet addiction, social media time-wasting, substance abuse. The reality is that there are healthy distractions and they are a natural way of alleviating tension and stimulating creativity, but like all coping mechanisms they can have a dark side. That dark side is when distractions move from restful moments to painful avoidance.
If I am concerned about what is distracting me the first question I have to ask myself is, “what am I avoiding and why”? Obviously, if we are too distracted we miss out on life, and we can also exacerbate or create significant relational problems, lose out on what is valuable to us, or most frequently stay stuck in the same patterns of unsatisfying behavior. Distractions as avoidance can take away not only the pain, or stress of the moment, but part of our total experience of the world as well.
I learned early on that trying to look at future rewards to get thru stressful experiences worked really good (at least in the first few years). The problem was that I couldn’t keep up with the need for bigger and bigger rewards as the challenges of life grew, and sometimes I was missing out on the moment just trying to “get thru”. Sometimes a hard day, hard week, or hard month ends in an equally hard way without any momentary reward, but the journey produces something in me much more important.
If our natural tendency is to avoid painful or difficult events than distractions or avoidance can take all forms. I believe that deep within us the natural tendency is to move towards wholeness, and that is why pain or challenge pushed away thru distraction tends to come back even stronger. Much like a splinter working its way out to keep the body whole. The splinter hurts to remove, but if left it creates greater suffering. Our very Spirit is trying to work towards healing thru experiences that challenge us to grow and change. Pain will inevitably be experienced, but pushing it away will create suffering. As we experience the full range of emotions from pain to joy we start to thrive in our lives.
Think of pushing on a spring, or holding your hand over a leaking hole. It takes energy to hold the spring, and it takes perseverance to keep the liquid in the container. I may be strong, but soon I start to buckle and release the spring, or the liquid starts to leak around my loosening hand on the container. All that effort to hold back the spring, or the liquid keeps me distracted and avoidant from the other parts of my life that would be filled with vital and creative living, enriched relationships, or freedom of choice. It is suffering to keep that spring pushed in and keep the liquid in the bucket all the time. Pain unfelt creates suffering, and robs us of tremendous energy in the act of keeping it stuffed away as the symptoms of anxiety and depression tell us that there is something amiss as much as chest pain tells us of an impending heart attack.
Sitting on the edge of the bed in early October, 2012 at OHSU, the pain in my hip was breathtaking. Not being one for opiate pain killers I waited. I finally gave in and felt the momentary relief . That momentary relief was just that, momentary. My transplant Doctor walked in and told me that he wanted to do another PET scan that night to see why I was having so much pain. After the PET scan he informed me that the cancer that was not evident on the PET scan 3 weeks earlier was now back with a vengeance. He told me that to proceed with transplant at that point had about a 35 percent probability of being successful. If it was not successful then I would be on palliative chemotherapy from this point forward, and there would not be another opportunity to try the transplant. You see in order to do the transplant the recipient has to be as disease free as possible going into the procedure in order to insure that the disease is eradicated and the new stem cells grow and rebuild the patient to cancer free health. “You will have to go back to Eugene, and do a new chemo drug to prepare for another attempt at transplant in January” he said. My heart and gut sank.
All of the preparation from moving our RV to Portland, placing our children, preparing our home, leave at work, and countless little details had been suddenly thrown into the blender, and splattered on the ceiling. I had a choice. Rush to the procedure with very little chance of success, and hope it worked. If it didn’t work then live on chemo for however many years that I was to have. I would be probably be alive, but ……..? The other choice was to go thru the uncertainty of a newer chemo drug and future transplant with all of its pain or struggle, but a higher chance of success at being cancer free. I choose to try the new drug and the transplant in the future. The process would be painfully drawn out in the short-term, but would give me the best probable long-term outcome with the least long-term suffering. We went back to Eugene and waited for January. That was 5 years ago.
Many of our decisions that we make in the course of our days are not this weighted, or maybe even this straightforward, but they do hold weight. Sometimes we decide to do important actions or avoid important actions based on our fear of the unknown, and the anticipation of pain. In the process we limit and distract ourselves from all that we were intended to be. That is whole vibrant beings, experiencing life and moving towards what is valuable to us. In fact, we increase our suffering, and end up surviving, but not moving to wholeness.
I was tempted to take the first option because I was tired after 4 months of salvage chemo, saying goodbye to my kids, seeing the stress on my wife. I wanted my life back. I thought, “lets just go for it” pushing all the other implications out of my mind. Ready to sacrifice the potential of the future on the altar of the day . Foolish right?
How many times have I done the same with other parts of life that mattered, but weren’t life or death. You can only distract, push away, take the shorter less painful way so much before it doesn’t work anymore. I wanted a chance at vibrant health. I hope that if this finds you in a position of making a decision to survive or thrive that you will choose to thrive even if that is tougher in the short-term. Seek counsel, seek a friend, seek a pastor, identify what is valuable to you and what is keeping you from moving towards it. Maybe it’s not the right time yet, but if its, and fear is leading you to distraction and avoidance, then pray about identifying what that first step is then carefully move towards it.
More to come about thriving and living vibrantly and addressing avoidance of pain…….
Gene is Husband to the amazing Daleasha, Father to the amazing Daisy, Nate, and Silas, lover of Christ, licensed counselor, ordained pastor, writer, and artist. Gene is originally from Veneta, Oregon and currently resides in Washougal, Washington. As Therapist in both local Eugene agencies, as well as private practice for 15 years, and as a Lead Pastor in Springfield Oregon for 5 years ( along with many other church based ministry roles thru the years) Gene has a heart for those that are both in the spiritual and mental healing professions. As an artist Gene focuses on sculpture and functional art items that take up space and have to be noticed.
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